It was mid to late afternoon as The Ragweed Ranger and his sidekick Toto galloped across the interstate in their trusty silver Subaru Brat. The smell of freshly laid asphalt rose through the air and mixed with the scent of stale cannabis smoke and human body odor, to form a malodorous bouquet that was far to0 pungent for polite company.
“Do you smell that Toto?” The Ragweed Ranger asked his trusty sidekick.
“Smell What?” Toto replied.
“That smell, it smells like bread.” Said Ranger.
At that, Toto vigorously sniffed for the mysterious smell that The Ragweed Ranger spoke of.
“Blah! What the fuck was that?” Toto exclaimed as he scrunched his nose in disgust. “Did you fucking fart?”
“Muchas Gracias Mexican Drive-Thru my friend.” The Ranger replied as he chuckled to himself over the success of his rouse. “Never trust it.”
“That was uncalled for man.” Toto complained. “I’m an accomplished musician you know.”
“Please, people haven’t listed to you brand of crap since disco died.” The Ranger retorted. “And disco died a long time ago.”
The Ranger and Toto continued to bicker with one another until suddenly the screech of a siren interrupted their squabble. A set of flashing red and blue lights quickly approached them from behind.
“Holy shit dude! It’s a fucking UFO!” Toto exclaimed.
“What? No dude, it’s the fucking cops!” The Ranger said as his voice quivered with fear. “We’re fucking boned Toto, we’re fucking boned!”
The Ragweed Ranger pulled his silver Brat to the side of the road and frantically began searching for his license and registration. As he searched through the glove box he found a small bag of herb and handed it to Toto.
“Eat that.” Said Ranger.
“What? No, you eat it.” Toto cried.
“You’ll eat the fucking sack if you value you the purity and integrity of your asshole!” The Ranger shouted.
Toto managed to stuff all of the unconsumed ganja into his mouth just before the officer walked up to the driver’s side window.
“License and registration please.” The officer said to The Ragweed Ranger.
“Her you go officer.” The Ranger replied, handing the officer his credentials.
“I’ll be right back with these. You two just sit tight.” The officer said as he turned away and walked back to his squad car.
“Hey Ranger, how much was in that bag?” Toto asked.
“I don’t know, four or five grams.” The Ranger replied.
“Oh god…am I going to die?” Toto asked with a twinge of anxiety in his voice.
“Ha ha, no of course not. Weed can’t kill you.” The Ranger said reassuringly. “But you are going to start tripping balls in an hour or so. Just try to relax.”
It was at that moment that the police officer returned to the side of the Ranger’s car. He peered suspiciously into the window of the Subaru Brat, first looking at the Ranger, and then Toto. He eyed each of them with an icy stare. After what seemed like an eternity, he handed The Ragweed Ranger his registration paperwork.
“Whew.” Said Toto. “He didn’t search the car.”
“I’m still standing right here you know.” The officer said, peering back into the window. “Could both of you step out of the car please.”
“What car?” The Ranger asked innocently.
“This car.” The officer replied angrily.
“This isn’t a car, it’s a Brattleboro.” The Ranger replied. “Half car, half truck, and one hundred percent awesome.”
“I don’t give a flying fuck if its made of doughnut glaze, get the fuck out of the car!” The officer shouted.
As The Ranger and Toto stepped out of the car, Toto mouthed to the Ranger. “Are you fucking retarded?”
“Do you two have any marijuana in your vehicle or on your persons?” The officer demanded.
“Sorry bro, I’m all dry.” The Ranger replied.
“Are you trying to be a smart ass you little prick?” The officer replied. “Listen up, this some serious shit I’m asking you, you fucking cunt. Marijuana is a plague to our great nation and I will personally see to it that you wind up in a cell with a large black man named Theophilus who hasn’t so much as smelled a women in ten years, and he will mash your pink little asshole into gravy with his GIANT BLACK COCK if you do not fucking cooperate! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?”
“Crystal.” The Ranger replied calmly.
It was at this time that the sack of Buddha that Toto had consumed minutes before began to kick in. He looked wildly at the officer and the Ranger.
“WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING!” Toto shouted.
“What the fuck is the matter with you boy?” The officer said as marched toward Toto.
“Nyahh!” Toto whimpered pathetically as he cowered at the officer’s approach.
“Kiss the fucking dirt you pale little freak!” The officer shouted as he shoved Toto onto the ground.
“Hey, hey, hey. Be careful.” The Ranger said. “Toto is an accomplished musician.”
“Shut the fuck up!” The officer shouted. “Toto is bullshit!”
The officer again directed his attention to Toto and began to badger him with questions.
“Where is the contraband?” He demanded.
“I don’t know what you are talking about!” Toto cried.
“WHERE IS THE REEFER you little queer?” The officer once again demanded as pulled out his gun and pressed it against Toto’s temple.
“Oh god, its in the trunk! It’s in the trunk!” Toto sobbed.
“Open the fucking trunk!” The officer shouted
“There is no trunk, it’s a Brat man.” The Ranger replied.
“Then where is the fucking pot?” The officer demanded again.
“I ate it all!” Toto sobbed as he lay on the ground.
“All right, fine, both of you come here.” The officer said menacingly as he pushed Toto and the Ranger toward his squad car.
“All right put you hands on the car and spread ’em.” The officer said as he began to pat Toto and the Ranger down. As he searched their persons, he liberated Toto of his wallet and the Ranger of his iPod.
“Is this all that you two have? Seven dollars and a first generation iPod?” The officer asked. “Both of you are fucking pathetic.”
With that, the officer opened the trunk of his squad car and placed Toto’s money and the Ranger’s iPod inside. While the trunk was open, the Ranger caught a glimpse of what was inside. Money, weed, electronics, you name it and this officer had it in his trunk.
“All right boys, I’m letting you off with a warning.” The officer said. “Have a nice fucking day losers.”
As the officer pulled away, the Ranger turned to face Toto.
“Did you see what he had in his trunk man?” The Ranger asked. “That officer is fucking crooked yo. We just got shaken down man, we just got shaken down. We have to do something about this. This cannot stand man, this kind of injustice cannot stand.”
The Ranger continued to rant as Toto dragged his heel across the sand.
“That asshole just crossed the line.” Toto said. “That asshole just crossed the line.”
Stay groovy for the next installment of The Ragweed Ranger. Will the Ranger and Toto recover their stolen goods and bring the crooked cop to justice? Will Toto ever be popular again? Will smoking weed make you impotent? All will be revealed in the next installment of, The Refer Ranger.