Getting busted for possession of marijuana has significant and often life altering ramifications. A conviction for possession of marijuana can land you in jail, cost you thousands in legal fees and fines, prevent you from getting federal financial aide if you are a student, keep you from finding a job and even affect were you find housing. Even if you are one of the lucky ones who lives in a medical marijuana state and have a medical marijuana card, your life can still be made a living hell by the police, even if a conviction is never secured. Even a few hours is very unpleasant.
I am assuming that taking a ride in the back of a police car is very low on your list of priorities, so I’m offering some practical advice that will help keep your ass out of the slammer.
- Never carry more than you can eat; Dogs aren’t the only animals that can smell fresh bud. Unless the officer who pulls you over has a non-functioning nose, he or she will probably be able to smell that bud in your pocket. It isn’t a crime to have weed in your stomach, but it is a crime to have weed in your pocket. This amusing fictional account illustrates my point pretty well.
- Don’t carry a pipe; You can’t eat a pipe. At least you probably can’t eat one that is very big. However a joint much easier to consume.
- Use the trunk; The trunk of your car is somewhat less likely to be searched than the car itself, and there is a bit more legal protection for the contents of your trunk. If you are carrying more than you can eat, put it in the trunk.
- Use a mason jar; Unlike plastic bags, mason jars not only keep your bud fresh, they also contain the smell better. Did I mention that they are dirt cheap and better for the environment?
- Use gloves; Dogs can smell better than you can. A lot better. While you may have thought that you were pretty cleaver by putting your mason-jar -o’ weed in the trunk, you neglected to realize that you made a fatal error when you handled all of your nugs with your bare hands. The weed scent still lingering on your hands then contaminated your everything that you touched; your trunk, your car door, everything, and guess what? A dog can smell all of it. Wearing gloves while handling your nugs and then taking them off once they are secure in a jar will help mitigate this problem.
- Don’t trifle with secret code; The correspondence between you and the friendly stranger who sells weed to you should be no more complicated than “mind if I swing by?” There is nothing incriminating about that. Anything more complicated is liable to arouse suspicion in the event of a third-party listening in. You never know who is listening, and worse you never know how long your mobile provider keeps text messages that you send.
- Loose lips sink ships so keep ’em zipped; This hardly needs saying, but if you are doing something illegal KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT! Don’t tell anyone, especially not your girlfriend.
- Put it in food; If you need to take bud with you to your destination, it is a good idea to put it in food. However, I don’t mean sticking your baggie in a burrito. You need to cook the bud into your food. There are a lot of ways to do this by cooking your bud into butter. Unfortunately most cannabutter recipes call for using an obscene amount of weed. Fortunately for you, firecrackers are a quick and easy alternative that use no more bud than an average bowl.
- Use a sploof; I’m of the opinion that this doesn’t really work. Even so, something is better than nothing.
- Smoke in the bathroom; for most homes, the bathroom is the only room with a fan that vents directly outside. Put a towel under the door and you should be able to contain the smell fairly well.
- Don’t smoke in your car; Upholstery does a very good job of absorbing odors. Keep incriminating odors away from upholstery.
- Ozium; The shit works and it is as close as your nearest Walmart (the bastards). It smells like an old woman’s vag, but it does more than just mask odors, it makes them disappear. Keep one can in your car and one can next to your bong. Don’t eat anything or touch your nugs without washing your hands after you use it.
- Break one law at a time; smoking a joint and talking on your cell phone while driving ten over in a school zone is bound to get you busted. Try to keep the number of laws you are breaking to one or less if you value your freedom.
- Don’t look like a stoner; Blood shot eyes? Reek of weed? Snack food wrappers everywhere? Nacho cheese on your pot leaf logo? Difficulty deciding if you would like two burritos or three? All red flags.
- Stay away from the park after dark; In fact, just stay away from the park. I know more than a few people who have gotten busted toking at their local park. Cops love to swing by and check on city parks after nightfall, so if you’re strolling out of the park at sundown with a pipe and a dub on you, and a cop is lurking nearby, you’re probably fucked. Also, getting caught in a park may carry heavier fines.
- Be aware of olfactory fatigue; Ever notice how you don’t smell something after you have been around it for a while? This is called olfactory fatigue, and humans are very susceptible to this phenomenon. Keep that in mind the next time you get done smoking and decide that you don’t smell like weed.
- Tobacco will not cover the smell of weed; Tobacco and weed smell nothing alike. Lighting a cig to cover up the smell of your joint, or rolling a spliff in the hopes that other folks will only notice the tobacco is a rouse that is likely to fail.
- Don’t share your cannabis using habits on non-anonymous social networking sites; Updating your facebook status to “blazed” is probably a poor choice. Photographs of you smoking weed is even worse. Sure it might not get you busted, and there isn’t anything illegal about having a photo of you smoking, but at the very least it could ruin your chances of getting a job, and at the very worse it could be used as character evidence in a criminal proceeding.
I’ll add more items to this list as I think of them, so check back. If anyone would like to add something to the list, leave a comment and I’ll throw it in the mix.